You’re standing on a deserted hiking trail, mist swirling around your boots. Trees sway ominously in the distance. Then, you hear it. Slow, shuffling footsteps. A guttural, throaty groan. Zombies. But, you’re a backpacker. You’re basically zombie apocalypse ready.
While urbanites scramble for canned beans and baseball bats, backpackers like you have been training for this for years. There are many reasons why your outdoor survivalist lifestyle makes you terrifyingly ready for the undead apocalypse. Let’s break it down.
1. The Bug-Out Bag is Already on Our Backs
Backpackers, you’re carrying a survival kit every time you hit the trail. Think about it. That trusty pack on your shoulders has most of what you’d need to weather the first few weeks of the apocalypse with relative ease.
Essential Gear for Hikers and Survivors:
- Water filter/purifier: Zombie saliva in the water? Hard pass. We know how to purify water in the wild.
- First-aid kit: Twisted ankle? Minor zombie scratch? You’ve got it covered.
- Knife/multi-tool: For cooking, fixing gear, or, uh, protecting yourself.
- Shelter: Tents or tarps are perfect for avoiding the undead (and rain).
- Sleeping bag: It’ll still get cold at night, even during a zombie outbreak.
- Snacks with endless calories: Jerky, trail mix, and energy bars will keep you fueled for miles.
We’ve been training to carry everything we need on our backs. Sure, city folks are fighting over shopping carts, but we’re already halfway up the mountain.
2. We’re Basically Parkour Pros (Kind Of)
Out on the trail, you’ve tackled uneven paths, slippery rocks, and fallen trees. Turns out, those navigation skills will serve you well when zombies start filling the streets.
Trail Obstacles vs. Apocalypse Obstacles:
- Rocky inclines? Now you’re ready to start scaling abandoned cars.
- Fallen logs? Practice for hurdling over zombie piles.
- Narrow ledges over rivers? Rooftop traversing won’t be a problem for you.
All those awkward tumbles on the trail? Just practice for dodging zombie hands. Who knew trail hiking was also apocalypse obstacle-course training?
3. We Know How to Poop in the Woods
Here’s the thing no one talks about during a zombie apocalypse—sanitation. The real heroes? Backpackers, who are already pros at digging catholes like it’s second nature.
Skills That Keep Us Alive (and Clean):
- Zombie-proof latrines: Dig it deep. Stay stealthy.
- Leave No Trace principles: Zombies aren’t the only things that will sniff you out. Be tidy.
- Water conservation: Backpackers know how to stretch a few drops of water further than most.
Toilet paper shortage? Pfft. We already know how to survive without it. We’re fine out there; it’s the zombies who should fear us.
By the way, if you aren’t already an outdoor pooping aficionado, this book has some great advice for “going” outdoors: How To Shit In The Woods by Kathleen Meyer.
4. We Can Eat Anything (Almost)
Backpackers are masters of sustenance—even when it’s less than appetizing. While supermarket-dependent city folk panic, we’ve already learned to make do with nature’s pantry.
Survival Eats:
- Edible plants: Foraging may not be foolproof, but we’ve got some basics down.
- Fishing skills: If there’s a lake nearby and we’ve got some paracord, we’re eating.
- Rationing pros: We know how to stretch five ramen packets into lasting meals.
Honestly, that five days of ramen on the trail was gourmet prep for the apocalypse. Bring it on.
5. We’re Used to Being Alone (and Loving It)
Zombie apocalypse = mass isolation. But solitude? Backpackers are already thriving off the grid. If anything, quiet trails are our happy place.
What Backpackers Are Great At:
- Accepting solitude: Who needs small talk with zombies, anyway?
- Self-reliance: Forget rescue missions. We handle things ourselves.
- Mental toughness: We’ve faced down bad weather, exhausted muscles, and miles of tough trails. Zombies are just… one more challenge.
Our biggest fear is running out of trail mix, not the apocalypse.
6. We’re Gearheads (and Our Gear is Zombie Apocalypse Approved)
Backpackers love their gear, and turns out, it’s apocalypse ready. The tools we obsess over? Perfect for survival.
Zombie-Proof Gear Checklist:
- Sturdy boots: Because outrunning zombies requires serious traction.
- Waterproof gear: Rain, dew, zombie fluids? No problem.
- Headlamps: The undead can’t startle you in the dark with 600 lumens of light in your path.
- Trekking Poles: Provides balance, stability, and a perfect weapon for impaling zombies.
Hey, spending more on gear than rent seems smart now, doesn’t it?
7. We Know How to Set Up Camp in the Dark
Worst-case scenario? You’re running for your life as the sun dips below the horizon. Here’s the difference between you and the average non-hiking citizen—we know how to pitch a tent at record speed.
Backpacking Camp Skills = Life Skills:
- Picking defensible campsites
- Setting up tents blindfolded (or in total darkness)
- Staying calm in less-than-ideal conditions
We’ll be snug in our tents before the zombies can even mutter “braaaains.”
8. Improvisation is Our Superpower
When all else fails, duct tape and paracord saves the day. Backpackers already know how to fix nearly everything with limited resources.
Creative Duct Tape Uses:
- Repairing ripped gear? Easy.
- Splinting an injured arm? Done.
- Makeshift zombie weaponry? Okay, maybe not perfect… but we’ll try.
Our unofficial motto? “If you can’t duct it, F it.”
9. We Have the Stamina (and Don’t Skip Leg Day)
Days of hauling heavy packs over miles of rugged terrain? It’s more than a fitness routine; it’s survival strength.
Physical Prep:
- Cardio endurance: When the undead shuffle, you know you can outrun them.
- Leg strength: From climbing mountains to scaling fences, we’re built for movement.
- Mental endurance: All those grueling “moderate to strenuous” hikes? Pure survival prep.
Hikers are the people you want by your side for the long haul.
10. We Find Humor In Everything, Even the Zombie Apocalypse
Backpackers thrive on challenges, and we’ve developed a dark, absurd sense of humor to cope. Slipped in the mud? Laugh it off. Ran out of coffee? Time for trail jokes.
Why This Matters:
- Morale is everything in a zombie apocalypse.
- Humor lightens even the darkest of situations.
- Who better to keep spirits high than backpackers making zombie apocalypse jokes?
Are Backpackers the Chosen Ones?
Backpackers, hikers, survivalists—we’re oddly built to survive the apocalypse. While everyone else panics, we’ll adjust, adapt, and thrive like we’ve been doing on the trails our whole lives.
Want to join the (zombie-proof) elite? Start backpacking. You’ll gain muscles, mental strength, and all the tools you need to outlast the undead. Plus, it’s a lot less grim than waiting for zombies to invade.
Who’s up for starting a zombie survival school? Backpacking 101 begins… now.
Pin It & Share
Love this guide? Share it with your adventure-curious friends and pin it for later! <3
